Justified in my own actions Lingering in my oceanic thoughts To be or not to be? Shakespeare, I am not Only in my heart God knows.... Grieving over nothing Just feelings.... Feelings so confusing.... Indeed I am confused Confusion out of desperation Alone in this cell of mine Picturing the beauty of life... Beauty? How is the beauty like? A question.... An answer unanswered...... Got this while I was on MSN... Juz got the inspiration... Trying to figure out wat it means though... Hehehe....

The jamming session that really puts this band into their creative side. Jazz Bistro is actually a temporary song title. Got it from a collection of jazz songs. It is the craziest fusion we have actually done. It sounds bluezy on the entry, acid jazz on the entrance of vocals ang metal at the chorus. The bridge has a certain tangy touch which is still very fuzzy for us to sort it into a genre.... We'll be perfecting this song for the coming weeks...

Much is to be learnt
Life every winding road,
Ain't much of a smooth ride
Rather this life is full of thorns of love
Every step I take,
I stumble... for life full of imperfection
Painstakingky I walk to this road
Finding an antidote to heal the pain
Often being wounded by those thorns,
Wipe away those tears, I say
Let the blood flow till it dries,
A sign of remembrance
To all the heartbreaking moments.

With these tears ever flowing
I seek repentance...
To reconcile with my painful past
Redeem myself for the sins of love
Guilt embraced my heart.
Choking my second chance till my last breathe
Death taps on my shoulder
Nevertheless will I never turn
To answer the call of my Maker
For my life is full of filth and dirt
Till in those dirt and filth shall I remain
My very existence is in the hands of my Maker.
Seeking the one to lead my hands to the path of light
For I have been too long in the dark
Blinding my eyes from the brightness of the sun
Too long have I hurt myself...
Never have forgotten my actions
To the people whom I took their smile away
Filling their heart with the darkness of sorrow
Seeking the one to forgive my past
Answering the questions that torments my mind
Tearing to the bits of my faith for love

Alas
I found you...
Who open my heart to the light
That I have seeked all my life
Nonetheless you question of my past
Too ashamed for me to say
Love never fail to hurt me all this time
Only in you I sense salvage

Still, you may not have faith in me
Shan't I ever break your heart for another
Only truly the I seek to love is yours
Can't I have a second chance to love once again?
My heart is growing weaker before,
Now it gains its strength to forgive and forget
To feel the sweetness,
To share the bitterness together with you.

Hold me for I am falling on my knees.
Out of desperation I call your name,
Shedding tears whenever you are away.
My dear rose,
Give me a chance to water you with my love...
Dearest Juliet,
Humbly I came forward not as Romeo
To die foolishly from the poison,
Proving himself of the purity of his love
Nor I came to you with any status of love
To you I came as nobody
To be the the one you seek all your life.
To love, to hold
To kiss your sorrow away.

I promise you
Will I never go back to my past
Only in you I see the brightness of my future
Dear...,
Don't make me walk to the path of evanescence.
To disappear into the dark
To wander once again
Without your love and faith of me,
With these hands,
I shall die a pauper...



If only you could read these stuffs from my blog.... Really lonely here... Wat's written up here r really heavy stuffs man...But who am I to love.....?

Shall I tell her how and what I feel for her? I really dunno... Anyone... enlighten me.... Is this really love or juz one of the seven deadly sins, Lust. My heart is throbbing for her, but I'm afraid to be rejected, dejected, u name it. I'm afraid of failure. I don't usually feel this way. How am I supposed to deliver the feelings I have for her? Shall I be straight forward? Or shall I use the flowery language to soften things up? I really dunno wat is the best way. All I noe is that I want the best for her. I didn't call her coz I noe she's havin her exams. So I wanna be the understanding guy. I noe her education is important. But I miss her and I dunno how to tell her. I don't wanna rush into things, but I don't wanna lose her at the same time. Wat if another guy comes along and wins her heart? I don't wanna feel sorry for myself not becoz I didn't get her, but for not even trying. Pleaseeee.... Someone please help me with this....

Went to JAMS yesterday night. It was cool man although it's like the usual place for me now. Went to town with Black at first. Had our supper and made our move to Paradigm. I guess that's how it's spelled. Met the rest of the gang and got our freaking hands stamped with the letter 'G'. I don't know what it means but it's the procedure. Paid for our entries and got our drinks. We decided on sitting at the usual place, very close to the podium where the gals will be shaking their booty. Had a rough night with Mel losing her bloody handphone. I was the main suspect as I am the bag nanny for my pals as I don't dance. I prefer to enjoy the view and appreciate the different contours of the human body. I'm not a sex maniac but man you should see it for yourself. I'm not asking for these things to happen, but it happens. That's all for the clubbers out there.

The title above is the confirmed name of my band. It's like a third of my life. The next thirds wil be made up of my bro Rick and my girl. We had a talk revolving around the band. It seems hard to get together these days. With the guys still in school, the commitment has to be juggled around. We have to be strong and face this barrier. It's a matter of the heart and soul. I believe this band can make it far. It's like the next dreamtheater. We're made up of pure talents and self-taught musicians. We're even writing and composing our very own songs at the start of this music carreer. For me, it's like a jump start towards reaching the stage of nirvana. It's not the fame that I want to hope for. Now, The Pen Is Black is filled with more members who want to fill in. Luqman, wants to be the manager cum frontal bassist while Ashraff wants to fill in the ever missing drummer's position. I'm still interested with Mimi, our current drummer. At least, Ashraff can be ou second percussionist. The Pen Is Black is about experimentation. Trying to create our own uniqueness. Our own identity. We're not those mats around playing those heavy underground stuffs and getting nowhere. We have our target. A target that we set in order to succeed one day. One day....... We'll juz see.....

In this bloody room I always think what wil my future look like. I'm a thinker, but what am I thinking? I want to forecast and predict the outcome of my doings, the consequences of my every steps. But I'm just a freaking twenty years old geek man. What do I know about all these? I have not faced everything. There is still a vast number of years for me to cover. (if i don't get into a fatal accident or worst) Just let me take a little step at a time. I will learn, and I am learning from every steps that I have taken to move forward. To Rick my bro, don't lose the trust on me. I'll be there. I just need some time on my own. Have too many stuffs in my head right now. Guess the weight is too heavy for me to take. With my family and friends problem, I'll handle them as fast as I can. I'll do what is right. Man, these are a bunch of heavy stuffs..... I'll be back.

Basically I have 4 off days this week. Have just enjoyed the 1st day with my band in the afternoon. Spent like almost 4 hours jamming. I was teaching Shafiq, my bassist, some new techniques on exploring his bass scales. He was awwing all the way. It was like he had never seen someone who could swop instruments and play. I was giving him all the attention as he was quite new to bass and his fingerings were still shaky. I envy his enthusiasm to learn, hard as rock. Then I was correting my cuz's strumming as they were sounding damn odd, with the after effect that was just out of tune. Slowly, both of them are progressing. For my drummer, I have no comments. It's as if he has eight hands. That's why I call octopussy. He's real fast. For me, I was like the lead man, and their mentor. I'm really hoping this band can make it big. Everyone has their own preference in music. My cuz, Isa, in the rhythm section is the heartbroken, lovy dovy music fan. Shafiq the bass section, who listens to anything soothing can be an asset. Shameer AKA Octopussy, is the punk rock freak that has proven his position to be our drummer. Last but not least me, who is so into blues, jazz and progressive and brit rock is the lead guitarist and lead vocalist. These four man make up the band that we named "The Pen Is Black". Odd for a name? It's still an experimental thingy. Let's just see how it goes. After jamming at nine, I went to meet Shadiq and gang. We chilled somewhere near his place. It was really a good talking session with them. We were talking about so many topics from people whom I know at Guangyang, to the topic of self defense. It was like so cool with jokes coming up here and there. We were so engrossed with our forum that we didn't realise the time was already 5.30am. WHAT?! Shadiq and his brother Ashraff had to attend school and we were still up. We made our move and I cycled home from Yio Chu Kang. It took me about 15 minutes to reach home. I parked my bicycle, performed my prayers and slept like a pig. Right now, I have just woke up and I'm creating an entry on my blog. That's all for you readers today.

I gave her a call yesterday when I was on the way to work. We were talking and talking.... bla..bla..bla.. I was hinting the eve of her big day, but she tried to trick me by saying yesterday was the 16th but in actual fact it was the 17th. wateva.. tried to play with her game. Let her think that i am easily fooled. I don't mind anyway. I don't mind if people think that I am that foolish. It's better than people thinking highly of us. That will be hard to maintain. Let' juz get beck to the point. It's Diana's birthday today. I sent her an e-card thingy. Well, it was merely a cheapo's gift. The reason why, I don't know what to give her for her big day. She's mysterious in a way. I was thinking from bears to make-up kits. For you readers info, I can do make up ok. I just don't know what's her preference. Though, I have made up my mind to treat her to dinner one of these days. Maybe somewhere formal. But too bad, she's not free this weekend. Not even on Friday. I was thinking the weekends or Fridays will be good as I don't want to interfere her revision time, especially her homework. Guess, I'll have to make do with next week. Let's just see what's the outcome. Maybe I'm gonna make my move. I wonder what will her response be. Will it be positve or negative. I'll just have to face it. God, please help me with this. I will quit smoking just for her. Only God knows how hooked I am to smoking....

Hey shorty, it's my birthday. I wanna party like it's my birthday. I'm goin clubbing with bestest bro, Rick. It's been a while since the last time I went clubbing. I dunno wat else to say! I'm so damn excited! Rick!!!!!!! Hope ur ready for the big event tonight. It's been a freaking year through. Hope this is it. I am a year older. A year closer to death. Wateva it is, juz let life flow like the river. It will pass throuh the different regions with different current and pace. All the best to you Azran. Peace out.